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Confessions of a Thinkaholic

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Bus ride

I noticed him while I was waiting for the bus. I was pretty preoccupied, thinking about tonight, tomorrow, and the next day after that. I had lots to think about, but I noticed him all the same. Maybe because he was making some sort of noise when I approached? It could have been him singing; I noticed the black headphones in his ears – but I couldn’t be too sure because I was in my own world, listening to my own music.

I boarded the bus and noticed the 3 single row seats were free. The woman who boarded before me took the rear seat, the coveted seat, and I felt slightly resentful. It was ok, I conceded. I sat in front of her and settled in, wanting to get back to my book that I was struggling to finish reading. It wasn’t until a few moments later that I noticed the man in front of me was the same one I observed at the bus stop. I noticed him now because he seemed to be very agitated and it annoyed me. I stopped reading and glared at him.

Why can’t he sit still?

Perhaps he was on drugs?

I began to wonder which drugs made you jittery and restless. I wasn’t all that sure and my spur of the moment list was short.

Coke, heroin, lsd, pcp?

I didn’t know if any of those fit. I began to take more notice of him. He had curly black hair that looked dull at the moment but probably would spring to life when freshly washed. He had pock marks on his cheeks and appeared to be middle aged. I honestly don’t know what middle aged means anymore because if humans are living longer, then “middle aged” takes on new meaning but I digress. He had that salt and pepper thing going on in his beard and it’s normally sexy on the right person but he didn’t strike me as sexy. He wore a striped shirt that reminded me of Freddy Krueger and that made me dislike him just a little more. 

I kept staring, making a game of it; how many times will he switch positions in the next 10 seconds – before I realized he was crying. He shook visibly and he kept grabbing at his eyes, almost angrily as if he was upset that he was crying but couldn’t quite help it.

I felt a little bad now for all my judgment and I began to ruminate about the reason for his tears. Death in the family? Breakup? Job loss? I envisioned handing him a tissue and asking if he was ok but I would never do that. After all, I didn’t even have any tissue. 

I continued to stare, willing his tears to stop, thinking back to a time when I was crying in public and couldn’t help it. All over a stupid man. And remembering that an older man started to converse with me. I’ll never know if it was to make me feel better or perhaps he was oblivious to my tears and just wanted someone to talk to but it stopped my tears and cheered me a little in the moment. 

I returned from my reverie. I realized Freddy Krueger shirt was making an effort to not cause a scene by putting his head down. All I could think was that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

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Lost ID and found myself?

I lost my ID, in the airport, no less!

How the hell do you lose your ID and in the airport, after the security check. What?! 🤯

I was so mad. 

First, the logistics of it all…how will I get back home?

No one knows who you are!

I am just a name on a few pieces of hard plastic.

That’s it?

Yes, for now…that’s it. 

I try to enjoy my trip. 

I watch the sunrise. 

I eat copious amounts of delicious food. 

I laugh like a mad woman.

I laugh to forget. 

I laugh to remember that I shouldn’t worry too much. 

I go to the pool. 

I soak up the sun and feel so amazingly good!

But inevitably my mind drifts back to my ID…

Where is it, where is it?

I’ve ordered a new one. 

Because as much as I like being here,

I need to get back home. 

Home where all my comforts are.

And also all my problems 😔

I need to get back to real life –

Responsibility 

And Solitude – I miss that the most.

Where is it, where is it?

I check the mailbox every day.

But it never arrives.

I come up with a new plan, eventually.

I swindle the airline who lets me return with photographed proof of who I used to be before I lost my ID.  

I return home 

Still no ID in the mail.

Who am I? 

If I can’t prove I am me?

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Dream from afar as told to him

I just woke up from a dream about you. I had to travel to TX for a conference on child welfare. I hit you up, of course, and asked if I could see you after the conference was over. 

When I arrived at your place, you were on the phone with someone. You were telling them that your last relationship was with a woman who lived in Nebraska. You mentioned that you thought she was beautiful and had an amazing personality but you couldn’t do it – Nebraska was just too far. 

Of course, thinkaholic me wondered if this was foreshadowing for what you would soon tell me. I waited until you got off the phone and we hugged.  

There was a wedding happening in the courtyard. We were not invited, yet we had front row seats to the entertainment. I wanted to dance. You did not. I was dismayed and pouted a little but you didn’t care 😆. Anyway, the night was winding down. My flight was at midnight. I was standing next to you and impulsively decided to kiss you on your neck. You then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the lips. I remember it was 9:30pm. You alluded to whether or not we were going to have any of our own fun. I remember thinking, “why’d you wait so long?” Nevertheless, I was down. My heart started racing and my little lady started pulsating at the thought of what was about to ensue. Wherever you lived had 2 different bathrooms right across from each other. We each went into a respective bathroom. I remember that I felt nervous, like there wasn’t enough time to do anything before I had to go to the airport. You were in your bathroom, singing loudly an unknown melody. I came out first, listening still to whatever you were singing and thought that there wasn’t enough time and I should just go. Then my alarm went off and I woke up. So I don’t know what dream sex feels like with you, unfortunately…

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Unnecessary post for the day :/

This morning I woke up to terrible stomach pains. It was as if I had consumed a large bag of candy whole. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but I dealt with it. I began to think about the origin of this pain. It could be psychosomatic but I prefer to believe that it’s related to the very obvious mosquito bite that I received yesterday evening while passing through a block party. How the mosquito bite and my stomach pains are related is a story best left untold lol. Anyway, to make myself feel better I’ve decided to use today as a day to do things that I put off until I have “time”. Time is one of those things when you have it you take advantage of it but not in the most advantageous way. When you have a lot of it, you spend it luxuriously doing nothing much at all and when there is not much time you rush through all the things you should have been doing when you had too much time. Sooo on my to-do list for the day is the following:

  1. Shower
  2. Watch “Where The Wild Things Are” for the first time
  3. Eat/Drink a smoothie

That’s it. My list in its entirety. I admit it’s not much in the way of a list. (I already made my disclaimer about my limited skills when it comes to lists so don’t judge me.) But it’s mine and that counts for something. The most important thing is that I will be watching a movie that I’ve always wanted to see but never did for reasons I cannot explain except I didn’t have time. I have the book here in my possession.


I remember buying it from Barnes and Noble one day when I had too much time on my hands. I also had a burning question in my mind, “Where are the wild things?” I read it in like 120 seconds and I remember feeling cheated. I never read this book as a child. I’m pretty sure my mother never read it to me either. I felt cheated because reading it for the first time as an adult takes away all the wonderment and imagination of it all. In addition to that, all the annoying people who had read the book as a child asked me questions like, “Don’t you remember when…?” No, actually I don’t/can’t remember… and providing me with a bunch of details that I don’t know how they remembered is not making me remember anything. For some reason though, I feel like I am going to thoroughly enjoy the movie but we’ll see…

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