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Confessions of a Thinkaholic

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Romance

Silver Fox

Silver Fox 

Noun

A fine, older man, with all the swag, one can muster. Has silver hair/beard that heightens his attractiveness and is notably desirable. Is confident, charming, self-assured and very handsome!

We’ve all seen a silver fox before. Maybe on the internet, where there’s a crew of them, all dressed up, looking sharp and FINE! 

Maybe at the airport, or standing in line at the grocery store. 

The silver fox is so refined, that they almost don’t even seem real. They seem like a mirage, untouchable because they’re always photographed or observed looking unsullied and deliciously attractive. 

I am pleased to share that I know a silver fox, in real life. I’ll admit – I didn’t realize he was a silver fox when I first met him. I mean, it’s completely understandable because he was hot, then, ok. He just hadn’t ascended to his silver fox throne. 

I had to wait another decade for that to happen. 

But it happened. When I saw him again, it was at night, in a crowded venue. It was dark, and vibey- full of acquaintances stopping me to catch up and chat. I almost didn’t recognize him – that’s how long it had been since our last interaction. He was in the cut, his cap low, covering his face. He’d always given off the vibe of being elusive, which just made one want to know more about him. However, once we were past the preliminary convo where we recalled our first encounter, we slipped into dialogue that felt familiar and lively. 

Outside the venue, we stood around talking, until the wee hours of the morning. It’s not often you have those conversations – ones where you find it hard to draw away. We took a few selfies for memories sake and said our goodbyes. 

I was silently thrilled – being in the presence of someone so attractive, yet unattainable, gave me all the feels and my serotonin levels were heightened by that exchange. 

Fast forward to almost 3 years later and I receive a message from an unknown sender. There was a name attached but I never imagined it to be him. I was naturally suspicious because why was this person in the dm’s and calling me by my real name 😳

Evidently they knew me, like in real life (evidenced by the use of the govt name), but I felt exposed. Because I didn’t think I knew them… 

I waited a while to respond because I wasn’t so sure I wanted to message with a faceless profile. 

Eventually, after conferring with my friend, I confirmed his identity and proceeded to chat it up in the dm’s. Surprisingly, Silver Fox was just as engaging virtually, as he was in real life. And not only that, he also revealed that he kept up with me (via social media) and was interested in my thoughts and opinions – can someone say, “Swooooon!”

Now, I’m not sure if Silver Fox knew how that made me feel, to know that someone (him!!!) actually cared enough about my thoughts that they would view my content and then want to discuss it – that was beyond me. I’m so accustomed to people (men, mostly men) not giving the slightest damn about what I think, that it really caught me by surprise when we had those initial conversations and he shared insights about what he thought about me. I felt seen. Like I was a bright star in his solar system 🤭

But, but, this was all inner rumination. I dared not share any of that with him. Because as engaging as he was, he still felt unknown to me. I wasn’t exactly sure that I wanted to know more because all things come at a cost. And I didn’t have the emotional currency to take that risk. Also, I’m not a risk-taker. I’m Ms. Play It Safe in all ways, in all the things. So, while I enjoyed our conversations, it felt a bit risky and I kept it cute. 

Somehow though, we made it out of the dms and transitioned to exchanging numbers. That was a leap that I never expected to happen but yeah… 

That led to us hanging out, grabbing a bite to eat for dinner and more convo. 

Silver Fox was nuanced, interesting and personable and FINE. I’d like to think I was unfazed, mostly. While I was happy about having the opportunity to have unfettered access to him for a few hours, I still was cautious. Catching feelings for a rare and elusive man was not on my  vision board. 

The night ended and I was left to mull over the impossibility of my relationship with Silver Fox. He wasn’t available to me and so that dampened down any romantic zest that I may have subconsciously entertained. Still, Silver Fox was so fine, and so different from any men that I knew – I couldn’t just let go of him so easily. 

And I didn’t. We continued to communicate and check in with each other on an irregular basis. 

And I finally saw Silver Fox again, yesterday. I think that’s when it hit me that he was a silver fox. 

He was just so chill, dressed casually and his clothes fit so well on him. But the beard is what made him stand out. It was fuller and more silvery and it was daytime when we met. It dawned on me that I’d never interacted with Silver Fox in the daytime!!

I’m not sure if seeing him in the daylight was the difference, that propelled m to this important realization but now that I know it, I can never forget. It could also be the beard or even the way he hugged me, but I just know that he is indeed a certified Silver Fox and I can’t wait until my next sighting of him! 😍

Scenes from a Marriage

Finally had some time to watch some TV. And I randomly chose to watch a series called: Scenes from a Marriage. Woah, baby. This show has me all over the place with the emotions. I thought the actors did a phenomenal job – it felt so real and raw and mostly tragic. I’m almost finished but wow! It’s been a rollercoaster. And the thing is, most people in relationships/marriages won’t have that level of dialogue, such brutal insight. I mean, it physically hurt me to watch some of the scenes but perhaps I’m an outlier? Maybe I’m a sensitive person and this is why is resonates with me so much? I cannot imagine, and don’t want to imagine everrrr being in the position that either party of the couple found themselves in. It’s so complicated and why? Why are feelings so complicated? Why are we compelled to put ourselves in predicaments where anguish is an option? There’s no good answer to that so I’m going to polish off my wine and see if I can finish watching. All I know is that this is going to be stuck in my mind for a long time. I think ’m traumatized!

Dream from afar as told to him

I just woke up from a dream about you. I had to travel to TX for a conference on child welfare. I hit you up, of course, and asked if I could see you after the conference was over. 

When I arrived at your place, you were on the phone with someone. You were telling them that your last relationship was with a woman who lived in Nebraska. You mentioned that you thought she was beautiful and had an amazing personality but you couldn’t do it – Nebraska was just too far. 

Of course, thinkaholic me wondered if this was foreshadowing for what you would soon tell me. I waited until you got off the phone and we hugged.  

There was a wedding happening in the courtyard. We were not invited, yet we had front row seats to the entertainment. I wanted to dance. You did not. I was dismayed and pouted a little but you didn’t care 😆. Anyway, the night was winding down. My flight was at midnight. I was standing next to you and impulsively decided to kiss you on your neck. You then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the lips. I remember it was 9:30pm. You alluded to whether or not we were going to have any of our own fun. I remember thinking, “why’d you wait so long?” Nevertheless, I was down. My heart started racing and my little lady started pulsating at the thought of what was about to ensue. Wherever you lived had 2 different bathrooms right across from each other. We each went into a respective bathroom. I remember that I felt nervous, like there wasn’t enough time to do anything before I had to go to the airport. You were in your bathroom, singing loudly an unknown melody. I came out first, listening still to whatever you were singing and thought that there wasn’t enough time and I should just go. Then my alarm went off and I woke up. So I don’t know what dream sex feels like with you, unfortunately…

Untitled 1.25.2011


I used to love your company, now you make me miserable.
You reek of mediocrity and when I’m with you I still feel lonely.
You seem confused or bewildered which only makes me angry.
Can’t you see that I’m not the me I used to be?
I’m the me You made me.
And now you don’t like it…
You don’t touch me, hold me or console me.
But you were eager to mold me
Into Nae Unknown
That’s worse than you giving me your last name
Which I wouldn’t take even if it were wrapped up

In a Tiffany Blue box with a white bow on top.

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