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Confessions of a Thinkaholic

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Silver Fox

Silver Fox 

Noun

A fine, older man, with all the swag, one can muster. Has silver hair/beard that heightens his attractiveness and is notably desirable. Is confident, charming, self-assured and very handsome!

We’ve all seen a silver fox before. Maybe on the internet, where there’s a crew of them, all dressed up, looking sharp and FINE! 

Maybe at the airport, or standing in line at the grocery store. 

The silver fox is so refined, that they almost don’t even seem real. They seem like a mirage, untouchable because they’re always photographed or observed looking unsullied and deliciously attractive. 

I am pleased to share that I know a silver fox, in real life. I’ll admit – I didn’t realize he was a silver fox when I first met him. I mean, it’s completely understandable because he was hot, then, ok. He just hadn’t ascended to his silver fox throne. 

I had to wait another decade for that to happen. 

But it happened. When I saw him again, it was at night, in a crowded venue. It was dark, and vibey- full of acquaintances stopping me to catch up and chat. I almost didn’t recognize him – that’s how long it had been since our last interaction. He was in the cut, his cap low, covering his face. He’d always given off the vibe of being elusive, which just made one want to know more about him. However, once we were past the preliminary convo where we recalled our first encounter, we slipped into dialogue that felt familiar and lively. 

Outside the venue, we stood around talking, until the wee hours of the morning. It’s not often you have those conversations – ones where you find it hard to draw away. We took a few selfies for memories sake and said our goodbyes. 

I was silently thrilled – being in the presence of someone so attractive, yet unattainable, gave me all the feels and my serotonin levels were heightened by that exchange. 

Fast forward to almost 3 years later and I receive a message from an unknown sender. There was a name attached but I never imagined it to be him. I was naturally suspicious because why was this person in the dm’s and calling me by my real name 😳

Evidently they knew me, like in real life (evidenced by the use of the govt name), but I felt exposed. Because I didn’t think I knew them… 

I waited a while to respond because I wasn’t so sure I wanted to message with a faceless profile. 

Eventually, after conferring with my friend, I confirmed his identity and proceeded to chat it up in the dm’s. Surprisingly, Silver Fox was just as engaging virtually, as he was in real life. And not only that, he also revealed that he kept up with me (via social media) and was interested in my thoughts and opinions – can someone say, “Swooooon!”

Now, I’m not sure if Silver Fox knew how that made me feel, to know that someone (him!!!) actually cared enough about my thoughts that they would view my content and then want to discuss it – that was beyond me. I’m so accustomed to people (men, mostly men) not giving the slightest damn about what I think, that it really caught me by surprise when we had those initial conversations and he shared insights about what he thought about me. I felt seen. Like I was a bright star in his solar system 🤭

But, but, this was all inner rumination. I dared not share any of that with him. Because as engaging as he was, he still felt unknown to me. I wasn’t exactly sure that I wanted to know more because all things come at a cost. And I didn’t have the emotional currency to take that risk. Also, I’m not a risk-taker. I’m Ms. Play It Safe in all ways, in all the things. So, while I enjoyed our conversations, it felt a bit risky and I kept it cute. 

Somehow though, we made it out of the dms and transitioned to exchanging numbers. That was a leap that I never expected to happen but yeah… 

That led to us hanging out, grabbing a bite to eat for dinner and more convo. 

Silver Fox was nuanced, interesting and personable and FINE. I’d like to think I was unfazed, mostly. While I was happy about having the opportunity to have unfettered access to him for a few hours, I still was cautious. Catching feelings for a rare and elusive man was not on my  vision board. 

The night ended and I was left to mull over the impossibility of my relationship with Silver Fox. He wasn’t available to me and so that dampened down any romantic zest that I may have subconsciously entertained. Still, Silver Fox was so fine, and so different from any men that I knew – I couldn’t just let go of him so easily. 

And I didn’t. We continued to communicate and check in with each other on an irregular basis. 

And I finally saw Silver Fox again, yesterday. I think that’s when it hit me that he was a silver fox. 

He was just so chill, dressed casually and his clothes fit so well on him. But the beard is what made him stand out. It was fuller and more silvery and it was daytime when we met. It dawned on me that I’d never interacted with Silver Fox in the daytime!!

I’m not sure if seeing him in the daylight was the difference, that propelled m to this important realization but now that I know it, I can never forget. It could also be the beard or even the way he hugged me, but I just know that he is indeed a certified Silver Fox and I can’t wait until my next sighting of him! 😍

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Til death…

I’ve been inducted into a strange club.

My ex died and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I shouldn’t care, one would think. After all, an ex is an ex for a reason. And sure, this ex was no different in that regard. Still, there’s a pain in my heart and I feel upset that I didn’t get to say, “Goodbye”.

We were still very cordial. On the friendliest of terms. However, I don’t keep up with people for the sake of keeping up. Life’s too full and busy and I can barely navigate my obligatory duties, much less small talk with exes that have transitioned to acquaintances.

We tried to retain the connection, though. When the major holidays rolled around and on our own personal holidays – birthdays – we made sure to send well wishes to each other. It was a reminder that we once cared about each other so.

This year though…I wished him a dope day and an even better year. Not yet knowing that his year was cut woefully short. I waited for his reply, thinking that maybe he was on an island adventure and didn’t yet have any reception. A few days went by and I began to wonder why he hadn’t replied. He always replied. Always. He was good in that way. And so when the days turned into weeks, I just knew that something was amiss.

I don’t know what made me google him, but I figured if there was news to know, Google would have it.

I searched his name, and a lot of random people came up. They weren’t him. I felt relieved but also, I felt I didn’t really try to find out information. I was looking for his social media or something. And crazy as it may sound, we never became friends on social media. Not sure why…maybe because we both were in our anti social era when we met, and stayed there.

I searched again, adding the borough and city to my search query and lo and behold, I see the obituary. My birthday wishes were in vain. He’d been gone already for 3 months. Immediately, I felt terrible about it. I couldn’t know that the last time was our last time speaking with each other. And I felt a great sadness. He was truly a kind person. Gone too soon.

After the shock wore off. I shared the news with a few friends. They didn’t really seem to care. They gave me some, “aww’s” and went about life as usual. And I was stuck, not knowing how to feel. Wondering if I should reach out to his friends and thinking better of it. They’d already gone through the shock of losing him – I was late to the party.

I still don’t know how to feel, except sad. It’s such a big feeling to know I’ll never speak to him again when I wish I could. RIP B.B 💔

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Scenes from a Marriage

Finally had some time to watch some TV. And I randomly chose to watch a series called: Scenes from a Marriage. Woah, baby. This show has me all over the place with the emotions. I thought the actors did a phenomenal job – it felt so real and raw and mostly tragic. I’m almost finished but wow! It’s been a rollercoaster. And the thing is, most people in relationships/marriages won’t have that level of dialogue, such brutal insight. I mean, it physically hurt me to watch some of the scenes but perhaps I’m an outlier? Maybe I’m a sensitive person and this is why is resonates with me so much? I cannot imagine, and don’t want to imagine everrrr being in the position that either party of the couple found themselves in. It’s so complicated and why? Why are feelings so complicated? Why are we compelled to put ourselves in predicaments where anguish is an option? There’s no good answer to that so I’m going to polish off my wine and see if I can finish watching. All I know is that this is going to be stuck in my mind for a long time. I think ’m traumatized!

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Silence

Oh my God!

The silence. This silence. This awkward silence between us. What does it mean? Perhaps, I should not have picked up. But the ringing…

The ringing is so insistent when it’s you. So I can’t ignore it. I know it’s you. I somehow always know it’s you. The numbers change but the ring is still the same.

What exactly is it that you want? I thought we figured out long ago that there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could help you with but here you are again on the other end. You made things this way but you are searching for your way in and you’re not welcome here anymore.

You want to see how I’m doing. The answers come to me automatically.

“I am fine. Thank you.”

“And you?” tacked on to be polite.

I’m good,” you say, your voice weary.

With what? Weary with the weight of calling yet again, not knowing, never knowing what to expect but expecting anyway.

Then silence. I play with the phone cord hoping that you’ll tell me why you keep doing this to me.

“Can we talk…” you eventually ask.

Can we talk? Of course we can. We are. It’s not that we can’t talk. It’s that we won’t talk. Your guilt and my hatred suffocate us every time. The silence speaks for itself. Every time I speak to you I go through a bevy of emotions. Sometimes, it’s annoyance but now, right now its anger. There are so many reasons why. Today though, it’s because you remind me of a man I once loved. You sound like him right now in your vulnerability and you say my name like he used to. But this is not for him. His turn at occupying my time, my mind, my thoughts – is over. It’s your turn for these few moments that we sit here – you at your job, me at mine, both of us wondering about this silence and who will save us from it.


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