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Confessions of a Thinkaholic

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Snack fat

Snack fat 

I’m scared of it

I’m hungry, but I can’t eat. 

There’s no snackables, only cookables.

My sensible, rational self, has prepared for my insomniac self to wake up, ravenous and filled with hunger pangs.

My sensible, rational and weight-watching self understands that this insomniac self will devour all manner of terrible food choices in the wee hours of the morning and so…she prepares.

She protects against the spur of the moment, unsound reasoning of one who sleeps in short spurts.

The fuel needed to sustain all these cohesive selves through the day does not contain Red-40 and hydrolyzed corn syrup.

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Bus ride

I noticed him while I was waiting for the bus. I was pretty preoccupied, thinking about tonight, tomorrow, and the next day after that. I had lots to think about, but I noticed him all the same. Maybe because he was making some sort of noise when I approached? It could have been him singing; I noticed the black headphones in his ears – but I couldn’t be too sure because I was in my own world, listening to my own music.

I boarded the bus and noticed the 3 single row seats were free. The woman who boarded before me took the rear seat, the coveted seat, and I felt slightly resentful. It was ok, I conceded. I sat in front of her and settled in, wanting to get back to my book that I was struggling to finish reading. It wasn’t until a few moments later that I noticed the man in front of me was the same one I observed at the bus stop. I noticed him now because he seemed to be very agitated and it annoyed me. I stopped reading and glared at him.

Why can’t he sit still?

Perhaps he was on drugs?

I began to wonder which drugs made you jittery and restless. I wasn’t all that sure and my spur of the moment list was short.

Coke, heroin, lsd, pcp?

I didn’t know if any of those fit. I began to take more notice of him. He had curly black hair that looked dull at the moment but probably would spring to life when freshly washed. He had pock marks on his cheeks and appeared to be middle aged. I honestly don’t know what middle aged means anymore because if humans are living longer, then “middle aged” takes on new meaning but I digress. He had that salt and pepper thing going on in his beard and it’s normally sexy on the right person but he didn’t strike me as sexy. He wore a striped shirt that reminded me of Freddy Krueger and that made me dislike him just a little more. 

I kept staring, making a game of it; how many times will he switch positions in the next 10 seconds – before I realized he was crying. He shook visibly and he kept grabbing at his eyes, almost angrily as if he was upset that he was crying but couldn’t quite help it.

I felt a little bad now for all my judgment and I began to ruminate about the reason for his tears. Death in the family? Breakup? Job loss? I envisioned handing him a tissue and asking if he was ok but I would never do that. After all, I didn’t even have any tissue. 

I continued to stare, willing his tears to stop, thinking back to a time when I was crying in public and couldn’t help it. All over a stupid man. And remembering that an older man started to converse with me. I’ll never know if it was to make me feel better or perhaps he was oblivious to my tears and just wanted someone to talk to but it stopped my tears and cheered me a little in the moment. 

I returned from my reverie. I realized Freddy Krueger shirt was making an effort to not cause a scene by putting his head down. All I could think was that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

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I’ve been dreaming…

Last night, I had a dream that a white man was my beautician. In the dream, I thought to myself, “I’ve had this dream before”.

He was older. I couldn’t remember his name. He had acquired roomies. Some of them were black and happened to be toxic as fuck. One roomie befriended me but she really wanted my clutch. I went to grab it. Before I could get to it, she dug her stiletto nails into my hand. I bit her hand to prevent her from taking what was mine. I wanted to keep my clutch. She tried to take other things but I wouldn’t let her. (What does this mean??? LOL, not sure but this is me writing from sleepytown and trying to recall the quickly disappearing details of the dream). He (my beautician) tried to sleep with me. I considered it. I wondered what it would feel like to have a white penis inside me…Then he put on his robe, and told me that it’s ok to come see him again because he only tried to come onto me cause of edm???? (Listen Lindaaaa – I never said the dream made sense, hence its presence here so I can show the inner workings of my mind, even while it’s at rest 😇) I realize I don’t wanna be there alone! I ran out. There were so many doors, a maze of doors that didn’t exist before. I finally escaped. Into the rain and the dim lights of the Chinese restaurant.

The End.

Only God knows where that dream came from.

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Unnecessary post for the day :/

This morning I woke up to terrible stomach pains. It was as if I had consumed a large bag of candy whole. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but I dealt with it. I began to think about the origin of this pain. It could be psychosomatic but I prefer to believe that it’s related to the very obvious mosquito bite that I received yesterday evening while passing through a block party. How the mosquito bite and my stomach pains are related is a story best left untold lol. Anyway, to make myself feel better I’ve decided to use today as a day to do things that I put off until I have “time”. Time is one of those things when you have it you take advantage of it but not in the most advantageous way. When you have a lot of it, you spend it luxuriously doing nothing much at all and when there is not much time you rush through all the things you should have been doing when you had too much time. Sooo on my to-do list for the day is the following:

  1. Shower
  2. Watch “Where The Wild Things Are” for the first time
  3. Eat/Drink a smoothie

That’s it. My list in its entirety. I admit it’s not much in the way of a list. (I already made my disclaimer about my limited skills when it comes to lists so don’t judge me.) But it’s mine and that counts for something. The most important thing is that I will be watching a movie that I’ve always wanted to see but never did for reasons I cannot explain except I didn’t have time. I have the book here in my possession.


I remember buying it from Barnes and Noble one day when I had too much time on my hands. I also had a burning question in my mind, “Where are the wild things?” I read it in like 120 seconds and I remember feeling cheated. I never read this book as a child. I’m pretty sure my mother never read it to me either. I felt cheated because reading it for the first time as an adult takes away all the wonderment and imagination of it all. In addition to that, all the annoying people who had read the book as a child asked me questions like, “Don’t you remember when…?” No, actually I don’t/can’t remember… and providing me with a bunch of details that I don’t know how they remembered is not making me remember anything. For some reason though, I feel like I am going to thoroughly enjoy the movie but we’ll see…

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