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Confessions of a Thinkaholic

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Words from Heartbreak City

I stop before I start. The words, special ones that will make you understand, won’t come. They’re hiding, just like I am now. 

I drink, not for liquid courage but to dissolve my chagrin. It’s working, but the side effects are regret and anguish at choices I made in happier times. 

It’s too hard loving you so fully and being shunned so subtly. 

The telltale signs are the rising panic in my chest and that funny, irritable feeling in my nose before the tears come and I know you can’t ever love me, the way I love you. 

And I can’t help to think what a fool I am.

I am taking a permanent break from you and no, I don’t wish you well. 

I wish me renewed insight and resilience to cope with another heartache/break. 

I know I can feel better and hope that it will be one day sooner than if I’d never wished for it at all. 

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Lost ID and found myself?

I lost my ID, in the airport, no less!

How the hell do you lose your ID and in the airport, after the security check. What?! 🤯

I was so mad. 

First, the logistics of it all…how will I get back home?

No one knows who you are!

I am just a name on a few pieces of hard plastic.

That’s it?

Yes, for now…that’s it. 

I try to enjoy my trip. 

I watch the sunrise. 

I eat copious amounts of delicious food. 

I laugh like a mad woman.

I laugh to forget. 

I laugh to remember that I shouldn’t worry too much. 

I go to the pool. 

I soak up the sun and feel so amazingly good!

But inevitably my mind drifts back to my ID…

Where is it, where is it?

I’ve ordered a new one. 

Because as much as I like being here,

I need to get back home. 

Home where all my comforts are.

And also all my problems 😔

I need to get back to real life –

Responsibility 

And Solitude – I miss that the most.

Where is it, where is it?

I check the mailbox every day.

But it never arrives.

I come up with a new plan, eventually.

I swindle the airline who lets me return with photographed proof of who I used to be before I lost my ID.  

I return home 

Still no ID in the mail.

Who am I? 

If I can’t prove I am me?

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Dream from afar as told to him

I just woke up from a dream about you. I had to travel to TX for a conference on child welfare. I hit you up, of course, and asked if I could see you after the conference was over. 

When I arrived at your place, you were on the phone with someone. You were telling them that your last relationship was with a woman who lived in Nebraska. You mentioned that you thought she was beautiful and had an amazing personality but you couldn’t do it – Nebraska was just too far. 

Of course, thinkaholic me wondered if this was foreshadowing for what you would soon tell me. I waited until you got off the phone and we hugged.  

There was a wedding happening in the courtyard. We were not invited, yet we had front row seats to the entertainment. I wanted to dance. You did not. I was dismayed and pouted a little but you didn’t care 😆. Anyway, the night was winding down. My flight was at midnight. I was standing next to you and impulsively decided to kiss you on your neck. You then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the lips. I remember it was 9:30pm. You alluded to whether or not we were going to have any of our own fun. I remember thinking, “why’d you wait so long?” Nevertheless, I was down. My heart started racing and my little lady started pulsating at the thought of what was about to ensue. Wherever you lived had 2 different bathrooms right across from each other. We each went into a respective bathroom. I remember that I felt nervous, like there wasn’t enough time to do anything before I had to go to the airport. You were in your bathroom, singing loudly an unknown melody. I came out first, listening still to whatever you were singing and thought that there wasn’t enough time and I should just go. Then my alarm went off and I woke up. So I don’t know what dream sex feels like with you, unfortunately…

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Unnecessary post for the day :/

This morning I woke up to terrible stomach pains. It was as if I had consumed a large bag of candy whole. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but I dealt with it. I began to think about the origin of this pain. It could be psychosomatic but I prefer to believe that it’s related to the very obvious mosquito bite that I received yesterday evening while passing through a block party. How the mosquito bite and my stomach pains are related is a story best left untold lol. Anyway, to make myself feel better I’ve decided to use today as a day to do things that I put off until I have “time”. Time is one of those things when you have it you take advantage of it but not in the most advantageous way. When you have a lot of it, you spend it luxuriously doing nothing much at all and when there is not much time you rush through all the things you should have been doing when you had too much time. Sooo on my to-do list for the day is the following:

  1. Shower
  2. Watch “Where The Wild Things Are” for the first time
  3. Eat/Drink a smoothie

That’s it. My list in its entirety. I admit it’s not much in the way of a list. (I already made my disclaimer about my limited skills when it comes to lists so don’t judge me.) But it’s mine and that counts for something. The most important thing is that I will be watching a movie that I’ve always wanted to see but never did for reasons I cannot explain except I didn’t have time. I have the book here in my possession.


I remember buying it from Barnes and Noble one day when I had too much time on my hands. I also had a burning question in my mind, “Where are the wild things?” I read it in like 120 seconds and I remember feeling cheated. I never read this book as a child. I’m pretty sure my mother never read it to me either. I felt cheated because reading it for the first time as an adult takes away all the wonderment and imagination of it all. In addition to that, all the annoying people who had read the book as a child asked me questions like, “Don’t you remember when…?” No, actually I don’t/can’t remember… and providing me with a bunch of details that I don’t know how they remembered is not making me remember anything. For some reason though, I feel like I am going to thoroughly enjoy the movie but we’ll see…

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