You push me and push me until I’m almost over the edge
I sit there, my legs dangling
Contemplating some shit
Wondering why I’m drawn to you
And you to me
Wondering why, when we like someone
When we say we care
We gotta be fucked up to them
Why we gotta push them away
Then try to draw them back in
But panic
When we realize
That it might just be
Too
Fucking
Late
I stop before I start. The words, special ones that will make you understand, won’t come. They’re hiding, just like I am now.
I drink, not for liquid courage but to dissolve my chagrin. It’s working, but the side effects are regret and anguish at choices I made in happier times.
It’s too hard loving you so fully and being shunned so subtly.
The telltale signs are the rising panic in my chest and that funny, irritable feeling in my nose before the tears come and I know you can’t ever love me, the way I love you.
And I can’t help to think what a fool I am.
I am taking a permanent break from you and no, I don’t wish you well.
I wish me renewed insight and resilience to cope with another heartache/break.
I know I can feel better and hope that it will be one day sooner than if I’d never wished for it at all.
I am fervently wishing to get over you…
Soon
You are the monkey on my back
Clawing at my chest
Trying to get into my heart
No matter how I thrash about
I can’t get you off
You are the tell-tale track marks along my arms
You fade with time but never really gone
You are the craving, the panic and the fear
And there’s a tiny voice inside
Reminding me that you ain’t going Nowhere
And then there’s the cold sweat
Along my temple, drenching my hair
I know it’s all psychological
But I feel it Everywhere
I was drunk with love for You
Stink with it
It oozed from my pores
And covered me in such a sheen
That people said I have a glow
I glowed…for You
But this morning I awoke
I was sober
Along with sobriety came the Love Hangover
Making me sick
I fell to my knees and bruised them on the way
I slumped against the wall
Too weak to stand
I wanted to retch but nothing came
I remembered that what I need to purge is embedded in my mind and burrowed in my heart
And that’s when the tears fell
Hundreds of tears
Bitter and salty
I tasted some and wiped away others
I needed something to do with my hands
Before they betrayed me
Before they found their way to the keypad
To dial your number
To ask You to console and love me
Before they could text You, “Come Over.”
But I willed myself to be still
To remember this feeling
My eyes are dry and now
I am sober
No more heartache
From this Love Hangover
Confessions of a Thinkaholic 