Your gaze once filled with adoration and love now sears me with scorn.
When you grab me, your fist is a very real lump at my throat.
I don’t know what to say.
You speak, but I cannot make out your words.
I am more concerned with the grimace your mouth has rearranged itself into.
And your lips actually tremble with barely contained anger.
I am not afraid of you, of your rage.
I am only afraid that I will still love you after you are done.
Why is it that we’re always waiting for something? How many clichés do we have to hear about Father Time and time being of the essence before we actually pay attention that it’s true? But time is not the only thing that waits for no one. That “friend” that has a crush on you isn’t waiting either. You know the friend I’m talking about – the one who’s smart, funny, tall, kind, chivalrous and down to earth. There’s a reason why he’s not your Man but what is it? We’re waiting. For what? Oh, just choose from any number of the million reasons we have. Maybe he lives far away, or perhaps he has a lot of female friends and who wants to deal with that? Maybe we have a boyfriend who really doesn’t treat us right but we’re still holding on to him (weird, I know) and our friend is the one we turn to and talk about our guy problems. Maybe we’re waiting for “Mr. Perfect” but he’s late in arriving. Meanwhile our friend is always there. He’s the shoulder to lean on, he’s the dinner date when no one else wants to go, and he’s the one you call when you can’t sleep. He’s such a FRIEND that you can’t fathom him being your man…until he finds a woman and is no longer on the market. That’s when you have your moment of clarity. You thought he’d always be there but now he’s found someone and you realize that maybe, just maybe you missed out on a chance because you were waiting…
I’m laying in bed watching all this snow and I’m wondering if Spring will make an early entrance. I hope because this snow is driving me mad! Anyway I was thinking (surprisingly) about marriage. I gotta be honest. I’m not getting any younger so I had to give myself a new threshold/time limit for when I want to be married by. I upped it to 50 years old LOL. If I’m not married by 50 then I will resign myself to a life of spinsterhood. I know some of you are thinking that 50 is kinda old and I’m thinking the exact same thing! BUT, I’m figuring it might just take that long for a man to say, “I want to marry you. ” I’m not the easiest woman to love – I admit it! I’m picky, and moody sometimes and excitable, and mellow and Intense. It’s rough I know, but hell – if all of those women on Bridezillas could find men to marry them so can I! I’m just accepting that it may take a little while longer. Or maybe a lot of while longer. But if I believe in the eventuality of it…well let’s just say anything is possible lol. I’m having all these thoughts of marriage because I went to court and was speaking to a colleague who is getting married. She showed me a color swatch of her bridesmaid’s dresses and I was all gushing because it was purple satin. Then she told me her date (late March) and she asked me if I had chosen mine. I was a little taken aback but realized that my pseudo engagement ring had thrown her off. I explained that it’s simply a deflector for all the loser men who approach me every day. But it made me think about what if I were getting married? To be quite honest, I cannot imagine it happening at all. Like I can’t even imagine someone proposing and keep in mind that I’m a writer. This is what I do – I IMAGINE things and create the picture with my words but I can’t imagine being proposed to, or marrying someone. It’s the oddest thing. I know some will say that I don’t believe it will happen for me and I believe anything can happen but I struggle with conjuring up scenarios of a proposal. My colleague tried to make me feel better (I think) when I revealed this to her by telling me her proposal was very low key and it took place in her apartment. And she said she knew her fiancé was going to propose because they had spoken about it. I think I’ve discussed marriage (in an abstract sort of way) with every man I know LOL but still no proposal. HA! I wouldn’t say I’m overly concerned or even moderately concerned about it though. If it doesn’t happen in like 10 years from now then I guess I might start feeling panicked. I’m more concerned about babies and my good ‘ol bio clock ticking louder and louder each day. I want to be married before I give a man the best gift ever (a child) so let’s hope that marriage happens before my eggs turn to dust LOL!!!!
Love is a funny fleeting thing
One moment you’re in it
Knee deep
You reek of it
And you think
“I’ll never be able to wash this off…”
But then one day it rains
Your vision clears
And you’ve been cleaned
There’s no hint of love now
Not a trace in the humid air
And you are left standing
Alone
In dewy eyed wonder
Confessions of a Thinkaholic 