I’ve been called “babe” a lot in my life. And not in a she’s hot and sexy type of way (LOL) but strictly as a term of endearment. And that four letter word can make you feel so many things. Things you shouldn’t feel.
“Babe” will trick you, and have you feeling like you’re someone special to someone who’s really not that into you and really isn’t that special to you. But – that’s the thing…men know what to say, don’t they? Some men are simply pros at hitting the sentimental nail on the head and then driving it home.
I’m no one’s babe, really. So, I wonder why these men insist on calling me babe. What happened to my name? Have they forgotten it? Or perhaps they never knew it at all.
There are other terms of endearment that people give in to when we’re feeling our way around that awkward getting-to-know-you phase. And those carefully placed terms of endearment are supposed to make it easier isn’t it? It gives a false sense of intimacy that I guess is supposed to help things along. I personally don’t like to use terms of endearment unless I really feel interested. If I don’t feel that (like you’re a sweetheart, or my honey) then it feels stiff and foreign rolling off the tongue. And then I’m left sounding distant and removed while you eagerly call me Babe…
You push me and push me until I’m almost over the edge
I sit there, my legs dangling
Contemplating some shit
Wondering why I’m drawn to you
And you to me
Wondering why, when we like someone
When we say we care
We gotta be fucked up to them
Why we gotta push them away
Then try to draw them back in
But panic
When we realize
That it might just be
Too
Fucking
Late
I stop before I start. The words, special ones that will make you understand, won’t come. They’re hiding, just like I am now.
I drink, not for liquid courage but to dissolve my chagrin. It’s working, but the side effects are regret and anguish at choices I made in happier times.
It’s too hard loving you so fully and being shunned so subtly.
The telltale signs are the rising panic in my chest and that funny, irritable feeling in my nose before the tears come and I know you can’t ever love me, the way I love you.
And I can’t help to think what a fool I am.
I am taking a permanent break from you and no, I don’t wish you well.
I wish me renewed insight and resilience to cope with another heartache/break.
I know I can feel better and hope that it will be one day sooner than if I’d never wished for it at all.
I just woke up from a dream about you. I had to travel to TX for a conference on child welfare. I hit you up, of course, and asked if I could see you after the conference was over.
When I arrived at your place, you were on the phone with someone. You were telling them that your last relationship was with a woman who lived in Nebraska. You mentioned that you thought she was beautiful and had an amazing personality but you couldn’t do it – Nebraska was just too far.
Of course, thinkaholic me wondered if this was foreshadowing for what you would soon tell me. I waited until you got off the phone and we hugged.
There was a wedding happening in the courtyard. We were not invited, yet we had front row seats to the entertainment. I wanted to dance. You did not. I was dismayed and pouted a little but you didn’t care 😆. Anyway, the night was winding down. My flight was at midnight. I was standing next to you and impulsively decided to kiss you on your neck. You then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the lips. I remember it was 9:30pm. You alluded to whether or not we were going to have any of our own fun. I remember thinking, “why’d you wait so long?” Nevertheless, I was down. My heart started racing and my little lady started pulsating at the thought of what was about to ensue. Wherever you lived had 2 different bathrooms right across from each other. We each went into a respective bathroom. I remember that I felt nervous, like there wasn’t enough time to do anything before I had to go to the airport. You were in your bathroom, singing loudly an unknown melody. I came out first, listening still to whatever you were singing and thought that there wasn’t enough time and I should just go. Then my alarm went off and I woke up. So I don’t know what dream sex feels like with you, unfortunately…
Confessions of a Thinkaholic 