I’ve been inducted into a strange club.

My ex died and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I shouldn’t care, one would think. After all, an ex is an ex for a reason. And sure, this ex was no different in that regard. Still, there’s a pain in my heart and I feel upset that I didn’t get to say, “Goodbye”.

We were still very cordial. On the friendliest of terms. However, I don’t keep up with people for the sake of keeping up. Life’s too full and busy and I can barely navigate my obligatory duties, much less small talk with exes that have transitioned to acquaintances.

We tried to retain the connection, though. When the major holidays rolled around and on our own personal holidays – birthdays – we made sure to send well wishes to each other. It was a reminder that we once cared about each other so.

This year though…I wished him a dope day and an even better year. Not yet knowing that his year was cut woefully short. I waited for his reply, thinking that maybe he was on an island adventure and didn’t yet have any reception. A few days went by and I began to wonder why he hadn’t replied. He always replied. Always. He was good in that way. And so when the days turned into weeks, I just knew that something was amiss.

I don’t know what made me google him, but I figured if there was news to know, Google would have it.

I searched his name, and a lot of random people came up. They weren’t him. I felt relieved but also, I felt I didn’t really try to find out information. I was looking for his social media or something. And crazy as it may sound, we never became friends on social media. Not sure why…maybe because we both were in our anti social era when we met, and stayed there.

I searched again, adding the borough and city to my search query and lo and behold, I see the obituary. My birthday wishes were in vain. He’d been gone already for 3 months. Immediately, I felt terrible about it. I couldn’t know that the last time was our last time speaking with each other. And I felt a great sadness. He was truly a kind person. Gone too soon.

After the shock wore off. I shared the news with a few friends. They didn’t really seem to care. They gave me some, “aww’s” and went about life as usual. And I was stuck, not knowing how to feel. Wondering if I should reach out to his friends and thinking better of it. They’d already gone through the shock of losing him – I was late to the party.

I still don’t know how to feel, except sad. It’s such a big feeling to know I’ll never speak to him again when I wish I could. RIP B.B 💔