Every morning, I lose something. Usually, it’s my phone. This morning, it was the keys. I could not find them lol. I searched frantically, knowing that I specifically put them in a specific spot for moments like this. I need to be able to trust myself and today, I was bamboozled. I searched places I knew they weren’t. Like the dresser drawers. The freezer. The rumpled covers on the bed. No luck. 

Last night, I had a dream. It started out mundane enough. I was doing something, in somewhere, USA.

I inadvertently misplaced my key to my car. I was alarmed but only mildly alarmed. Should have been clue #1 that this was a dream, but I am living an intentionally pleasant life, filled with pleasant emotions, so no, the alarm bells didn’t do what they were supposed to. Somehow, life goes on, just fine. I don’t have to drive anywhere which solves the urgency of me finding the key. Although, I must say, that anytime, I lose anything, I am overcome with an intense desire to find it and to find it NOW! Or, at the very least, try my best to do so. However, I wasn’t as frantic as I should have been because I have another key, a spare. There is a story there, about the spare key, in real life, but not entertaining enough to be told here. 

Back to the dream – I go on living my keyless life, until one day, I find an innocuous lump. In my *awake* state, I now can’t remember where I first felt it, but when you’re a human, and you find a lump, you become alarmed. Or, at the very least, “mildly concerned”. I think I was bewildered but still, overall, serene. I mention to a relative that a found a lump. Said relative is too young to be concerned about life altering things like a lump, and so I was left alone to wonder about my newfound lump, all on my own. I handled it fairly well, because I went to work and the world did not come crashing down that day – personally or professionally. It wasn’t even in the back of my mind, and soon enough, and sure enough, I was able to forget. That is until the lump moved. Yes, I used the adjective. It MOVED, y’all! I mean it physically Traveled all the way to a different part of my body. And curious, neurotic me, became alarmed then. Maybe because it moved right to my inner elbow, on my left arm. A *very* odd place for a lump indeed. I tapped my newly located lump and noted it was hard. Not just firm, but solid, solid of the unbreakable kind. And while I was alarmed, yes, I was also in a sort of disbelief. This was unusual. That should have been inkling #4 that this was a dream, but I suppose I like to see things through until the bitter end, even in my dreams. 

Although I had a lump, in my arm, I was still able to function. I felt perfectly fine and even though I was wondering about when to go to the doctor, there’s no urgency for me to go. I can’t remember what I do that day but it was probably bullshit the day away, and then evening falls. I’m doing something…like looking at myself, critically, in the mirror, and I realize that another lump has joined the first. That’s odd – I can’t even believe this. They’re similar in size but seem to be different dimensions.  

The discovery of the second lump spurs me into action. I run (ok, I walked, briskly though) to the hospital and everyone is outside on fold-up chairs, waiting to be seen in the ER. And by everyone, I mean 3-4 people. I noticed that I was being given dirty looks by some of the inflicted. I looked far too healthy to be waiting for a place in the ER line. I was a threat in a way. What if my hidden emergency allowed me to jump the line and receive my treatment first?? 

I go to the small window that tells patients this is where to go for information. The woman tells me I have to call to gain access to the inside, maybe, depending on my problem. I take down a number and walk away to an empty space to mull over how to proceed.

How do I describe my condition in a way that grants me access?

I start to doubt this is an emergency and begin to think about going home. Until, I notice details about one of the patients. He had a heavy duty lock around his neck, and an appliance was on the other end. His head was free, but how did that happen? That was no coinky dinky. Ok, strange…  I spy another patient. She has a mini refrigerator trapped around her upper body. Then it clicked. My lump was unusual and maybe it was foreign and didn’t belong there. I went to feel it but it had moved, but only slightly, in comparison to the last move – it was now in my forearm. I began to feel all around it, and realized that it was my long lost car key. I felt the other lump, – it was a key too! What the heck????

How did not one, but 2 keys end up, embedded in my arm? I thought back to the last few days, wondering if I was so preoccupied that I could have somehow eaten my key, without realizing it. No, there was no way, no way at all! I don’t know how it happened, but yet, if has indeed happened. I needed the keys out of my body, so I had to follow through with the phone call. 

I finally dial the number, and began to explain my plight to the operator and eventually I was put through to a Dr. Daniel. I explained I needed surgery, asap, and he went through the pre-surgical list with me. I began to worry, because my last meal was only 3-4 hours ago (when I should not have eaten within the last 8 hours) but he seemed unconcerned about that tidbit of information. 

We were concluding our call, when he said, “your total is $315.” I clarified, “for surgery?” He chuckled, “not $3,150, $315.” “You must pay before you receive medical treatment.”

$315?? That’s a steal! And then, of course, I woke up. 

There’s a moral to this story, I’m sure. 

Leave your keys in a safe place so your unconscious mind won’t recreate some bizarre, Final Destination like scenario to scare you into doing so!

Or perhaps, it’s a warning that I try to be too prepared and sometimes, nothing can prepare you for what life has in store for you. 

And also, that surgery should be mostly covered by insurance and never more than $315. 

Psychoanalysis, please!