I’m laying in bed watching all this snow and I’m wondering if Spring will make an early entrance. I hope because this snow is driving me mad! Anyway I was thinking (surprisingly) about marriage. I gotta be honest. I’m not getting any younger so I had to give myself a new threshold/time limit for when I want to be married by. I upped it to 50 years old LOL. If I’m not married by 50 then I will resign myself to a life of spinsterhood. I know some of you are thinking that 50 is kinda old and I’m thinking the exact same thing! BUT, I’m figuring it might just take that long for a man to say, “I want to marry you. ” I’m not the easiest woman to love – I admit it! I’m picky, and moody sometimes and excitable, and mellow and Intense. It’s rough I know, but hell – if all of those women on Bridezillas could find men to marry them so can I! I’m just accepting that it may take a little while longer. Or maybe a lot of while longer. But if I believe in the eventuality of it…well let’s just say anything is possible lol. I’m having all these thoughts of marriage because I went to court and was speaking to a colleague who is getting married. She showed me a color swatch of her bridesmaid’s dresses and I was all gushing because it was purple satin. Then she told me her date (late March) and she asked me if I had chosen mine. I was a little taken aback but realized that my pseudo engagement ring had thrown her off. I explained that it’s simply a deflector for all the loser men who approach me every day. But it made me think about what if I were getting married? To be quite honest, I cannot imagine it happening at all. Like I can’t even imagine someone proposing and keep in mind that I’m a writer. This is what I do – I IMAGINE things and create the picture with my words but I can’t imagine being proposed to, or marrying someone. It’s the oddest thing. I know some will say that I don’t believe it will happen for me and I believe anything can happen but I struggle with conjuring up scenarios of a proposal. My colleague tried to make me feel better (I think) when I revealed this to her by telling me her proposal was very low key and it took place in her apartment. And she said she knew her fiancé was going to propose because they had spoken about it. I think I’ve discussed marriage (in an abstract sort of way) with every man I know LOL but still no proposal. HA! I wouldn’t say I’m overly concerned or even moderately concerned about it though. If it doesn’t happen in like 10 years from now then I guess I might start feeling panicked. I’m more concerned about babies and my good ‘ol bio clock ticking louder and louder each day. I want to be married before I give a man the best gift ever (a child) so let’s hope that marriage happens before my eggs turn to dust LOL!!!!
I used to love your company, now you make me miserable.
You reek of mediocrity and when I’m with you I still feel lonely.
You seem confused or bewildered which only makes me angry.
Can’t you see that I’m not the me I used to be?
I’m the me You made me.
And now you don’t like it…
You don’t touch me, hold me or console me.
But you were eager to mold me
Into Nae Unknown
That’s worse than you giving me your last name
Which I wouldn’t take even if it were wrapped up
In a Tiffany Blue box with a white bow on top.
Love is a funny fleeting thing
One moment you’re in it
Knee deep
You reek of it
And you think
“I’ll never be able to wash this off…”
But then one day it rains
Your vision clears
And you’ve been cleaned
There’s no hint of love now
Not a trace in the humid air
And you are left standing
Alone
In dewy eyed wonder
Sometimes I wonder about my importance in the world and how long it would take for someone to notice I’m missing. For instance: If I leave my home this morning, I could presumably stay out all day and all night and no one would wonder about where I am. It wouldn’t necessarily be strange for no one to hear from me as there are days when I’ve gone nowhere, spoken to no one and all was well with the world. How many days in a row could I leave the house and not speak to anyone before someone wondered about me? Three days? Five days? I’m not sure but I’m alarmed that I’m not sure. What if something did happen to me? What if I were kidnapped? Taken for ransom (fat chance but work with me here)? How many days would my family wait before reporting me missing? I mean I am grown, and taken to staying out with friends or a lover every now and again and I’ve always come back in one piece but still… Perhaps I need to seek out a designated person who knows where I am all the time so in the event that I ever went missing they could have the timeline down. Isn’t that how it works on T.V?
Confessions of a Thinkaholic 